When it comes to love and sex, we often find ourselves in deep contemplation:
Can they exist independently?
In today's society, there are various viewpoints and experiences, ranging from small notes falling from a tissue box to long-term intimate relationships, all reflecting different perspectives on this issue.
"The presence of sex without love" seems to have become a common transaction.
But what about "the presence of love without sex"?
Does such a purely spiritual relationship between men and women truly exist?
Or would you be willing to accept your deeply loved one while rejecting physical intimacy?
In fact, many partners have no issues with orientation or capability. They still deeply love each other, but tacitly avoid the topic of sex. Their relationship may even be purer than with their opposite-sex friends.
So, whether you have had romantic experiences or are already married, I suggest everyone seriously consider these topics about love, sex, and relationships.
In the Korean drama "It's Been a Long Time," the story of a young couple sheds light on the reality of a sexless marriage.
According to data, 25% of couples in China have experienced a sexless marriage, while in Japan, known for its conservative culture, this proportion is even higher, exceeding half.
I once had a friend complain to me that he deeply loved his wife, but sometimes preferred to take care of things himself.
So, it seems they didn't choose to avoid the topic of sex because of a lack of love but rather, in their relationship, sex had been excluded.
But what factors have stifled this behavior, which plays a crucial role in biological evolution?
To understand this question, we first need to understand how love and sex develop.
Although human desires and emotions are exceptionally complex, they all stem from biological foundations.
Love is actually a series of hormones, such as phenylethylamine and dopamine, at work.
Take dopamine, for example. It's only stimulated by unexpected and unattained things. For instance, when you fall in love at first sight, dopamine starts to release, bringing pleasure, which drives you to pursue that person.
But once that person becomes your partner, the conditions of "unexpected" and "unattained" are no longer met, and dopamine becomes less active.
However, this doesn't mean love disappears.
After being obtained, love transitions from desire, passion, and impulsiveness to emotional satisfaction, a feeling controlled by hormones like oxytocin and endorphins.
Thus, fundamentally, these two types of love are entirely different physiological processes.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher refers to these two types of love as "romantic love" and "companionate love."
The former typically lasts only 12-18 months. During this time, the two people are passionately in love, but gradually, especially after marriage or having children, the passion fades, replaced by habits, and they exist more as family members.
The process of sex is similar to love but compressed into minutes or even seconds.
Therefore, sex is figuratively referred to as the "fast forward" of love.
Before satisfaction, testosterone drives dopamine to stimulate the brain, but once physical contact begins, the control of pleasure shifts to endorphins.
As this process repeats each time, dopamine also becomes less active over time, and gradually, you lose interest in sex.
While love can transition from passion to companionship, it seems sex lacks this "exit strategy."
Companionship requires two people being together, having things to talk about, and things to do.
But sex is different. Traditionally, it's viewed as a shameful thing.
Our sex education is lacking, resulting in many people's cognitive deficiencies and prejudices.
Are people considered desperate for being too proactive?
Is having experience seen as promiscuity? Both men and women bear the same pressures and shame.
Many couples are also unwilling to discuss sex. According to sociology professor Pan Suiming's research, one-third of couples have never discussed this issue.
Therefore, once the passion fades and there's no way to communicate like with love, the gap between the two starts to show.
Especially when there are differences in needs and perspectives that can't be reconciled, retaining reservations towards each other may become the only choice, eventually leading to a consensus of abstinence.
However, even if both still have sexual interests, engaging in open and honest sexual communication, external factors also have negative impacts on young people's sexual desires.
In 1990, two sex psychology professors proposed a control model comparing the brain's excitation system and inhibition system.
The excitation system is like the accelerator, with the brain sending signals to organs and producing physiological reactions, while the inhibition system is like the brakes, evaluating whether the environment is safe, emotions are pleasant, and whether there's rejection of the partner.
Sometimes, though we yearn to "accelerate," external factors seem to hit the brakes or even pull the handbrake.
Especially psychological issues caused by the environment, such as prolonged stress, depression, and anxiety, can make people lose interest in intimate relationships and physical interactions, making them part of the "sexless syndrome."
When people are exhausted from work pressure and family burdens, they'll have neither the energy nor the mood to think about romance and love. Therefore, more and more young people are losing interest in intimate relationships and physical interactions, becoming part of the "sexless syndrome."
Perhaps you've realized that sex is more fragile than love, and once sex disappears, love becomes fragile too.
Therefore, how do we maintain a stable level of desire in long-term relationships? This is a question we need to seriously consider.
Firstly, creating a comfortable sense of distance is crucial.
Psychological counseling expert Esther Perel discovered an interesting phenomenon: things that promote emotional intimacy may not necessarily generate sexual desire.
This is because while emotions often require two people to be intimately close, even merging, sexual desire needs to maintain a certain degree of autonomy and differentiation.
Therefore, without affecting emotions, both parties can retain a certain level of personal space, creating a comfortable sense of distance. They should not see each other as something they already possess but maintain a continuously attractive attitude towards each other.
Secondly, cultivating consistent sexual concepts is also crucial.
Sexual issues are something both partners need to address together. If one side avoids it while the other acquiesces, the problem will only worsen.
Only through honest communication, eliminating information gaps, can both parties understand each other's preferences and concerns, thus cultivating consistent sexual concepts.
Research shows that discussing sex can not only increase satisfaction for both parties but also increase mutual understanding.
Finally, reshaping the novelty of love is also crucial.
Sex is considered the highest expression of love. Only when love reaches its peak does sex occur.
Therefore, both parties can cultivate some new common hobbies or create some surprises without the other's knowledge to reshape the novelty of love, thereby arousing each other's sexual desires.
Experiencing these novelties can stimulate the release of dopamine, allowing both parties to find some passion in the mundane.
In conclusion, sex is one of the greatest sources of pleasure bestowed upon humanity by nature. But if people can no longer find happiness in it or even start to reject it, they will lose a way to console their loneliness.
Therefore, we should dare to love, dare to speak, and dare to act. Only in this way can we obtain a more complete and pure love.
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